Father of Lies
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woohooligan Jul 28, 2015
woohooligan NEW!: Hey hooligans! Vote in my quick poll about laughter because it rocks! Thanks!
Plot points! Dun dun duuuuuun!

The sons of Odin are so smug! And you thought this wouldn't go anywhere! ;) But that's the real reason why I don't worship Jesus... I mean, if he's not even important enough to have a week-day named after him then pfft! :P

As sins go, Lying is pretty mediocre... It's no wonder that despite it's appearance in the ten-commandments, it doesn't rise to the level of one of the "seven deadly sins". But it's kind of odd, because unlike the prohibitions on stealing and murder where the reasons for it are pretty self-explanatory, the consequences of lying can range from nothing ("does this dress make me look fat?") all the way up to death (framing someone for a crime that carries the death penalty). And even the way it's worded in the ten-commandments is peculiar: "thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbors." Well, shitballz, I can imagine dozens of ways a person can lie without bearing false witness against a neighbor... and bearing false witness in particular doesn't necessarily carry any heavy burden - it might just be the neighborhood gossip, no more than annoying to those gossiped about. And that leaves out entirely simply lying flat-out ("yes, I guarantee this product will never break" ... "void where cast into Mount Doom").

Admittedly, nobody really likes being lied to, but we have to face the reality that liars and honest people have one thing in common: they both claim to be honest. And there's really no sure-fire way to know when someone is lying. Probably the best bet is to consider a person's past behavior, which admittedly only works for people we know. Though in the case of Yaweh, his own book does indeed say that he's a liar... and then later says that he never lies. Of course, the only way that this won't cause a paradox anomaly that will destroy the entire universe (and you and I along with it), is for him to be a liar... or maybe for his book to be written by liars. D'oh!

Of course, I've already mentioned my feelings on the subject of biblical literalism, but the fact remains that there is no interpretation of Genesis 3 in which Yaweh didn't lie to Adam and Eve. At first, "you'll die if you touch that tree" sounds like the tree is poisonous. But then when they touch the tree it doesn't harm them in any way. Some apologists would say "ah, but there wasn't death in the garden of Eden -- Adam and Eve existed in an immortal state until they were cast out." And, I would agree, except that as soon as Yaweh finds out that they ate from the tree of knowledge, he then says "we can't let Adam eat from the tree of life and become immortal." It's that "become" part that throws a wrench in Yaweh being an honest person... or God... god-person... supreme be-douchebag-ing... anyway... You can't stop someone from becoming what they already are, so if Adam and Eve were already immortal, there would be no stopping them becoming that way by eating from the tree of Life.

And to be honest, the entire reasoning surrounding the tree of knowledge and the garden of Eden is completely ridiculous to begin with. As I said, "what loving father puts his children in harms way?" And you can't argue that he couldn't have segregated them away from the tree so they wouldn't touch it... which leaves basically that maybe God was testing them... (again, we're back to the perfect God creating his perfect children who perfectly misbehave (because misbehavior is perfect) and then must be perfectly punished forever, including all their descendants for all time immemorial... how perfect!) but if Yaweh was testing them, then they were mortal and were going to die anyway and he still lied to them.

It turns out that, despite Eve's claim that the serpent deceived them, it was the serpent who was being honest! If you don't believe me, go read Genesis 3 again (or likely for the first time), it really does make your head hurt if you spend any time thinking about the motivation of the people who wrote that chapter and what exactly they were trying to say.

Also interesting is the phrasing "we can't let them become immortal like us". Up to that point, I don't believe there had been any mention of multiple gods and yet suddenly Yaweh is talking to himself in plurals. It's oddly out of character with the rest of the bible as far as I can tell.

Tiffany and I are going to be out of town this week, which means the next update will be a bit slower, since I upload these as they become available. I'll be working on the next as soon as we get back, though I can't promise any specific schedule. If you're excited about these stories, if they make you laugh and you'd like to see more of them, then you can keep them alive with a pledge to our Patreon!

Stay awesome, Hooligans!

Did you enjoy this? Want more? All of the bonus panels and alternate endings are now available on the official Woohooligan Patreon page!

What's on your mind?
Unka John Jul 28, 2015
Unka John Love the last panel!
BiggerJ Jul 30, 2015
I think I know how you might be able to explain the existence of other gods like the Norse gods - via another interesting nugget from the Bible, not less. If I recall correctly, before the flood, humans got jiggy with angels or something and their offspring were powerful beings.
woohooligan I've always heard the offspring of humans and angels called "nephilim". There's a series of films called the Prophecy that describe them as being more powerful than angels, but also very rare.
BiggerJ Jul 30, 2015
Oh wait, Leviathan can't be the offspring of humans and angels because he's the Serpent of Eden, which means Loki can't be either, which probably eliminated the rest of the Norse pantheon. But maybe my theory could still apply to the Egyptian and Greek/Roman pantheons.
woohooligan I suppose it's possible if I were to introduce time-travel... certainly if Yaweh were all-powerful, time-travel should be in his wheel-house, if not necessarily anyone else's.
What's on your mind?